Today my inspiration comes from a fellow blogger whom I think probably has the FUNNIEST blog that I have ever read. Seriously, fellow bloggers you should check out her crazy funny blog.

So while reading “Why I F****** hate Wal-Mart” on Amy’s blog, she gave me the brilliant idea to share my own unfortunate but yet funny grocery store experience.

This happened a couple of years ago when my mother and I ran to Randall’s for family movie night snacks. We currently don’t shop at Randall’s anymore but I suppose that is a story for another day.

It was probably around 8:30 p.m. when my mother and I strolled into Randall’s. I really didn’t want to go but I wasn’t about to let my mom do a grocery run alone because grocery runs alone suck. When shopping alone, you can’t divide and conquer in order to expedite the whole grocery shopping experience, which in my opinion, is the main reason why grocery shopping alone sucks. Also on another side note, grocery shopping with my mom is always an adventure because despite having a set list of so many items we always seem to come back with twice as many items. It just so happens that this night was no different and the unwritten extra items lead us to the soda aisle which is where this unfortunate funny story begins.

We were slowly meandering down the soda aisle examining our choices when all of sudden I hear the sound of a motor getting louder and louder behind me. I turned around just in time to see this

Just pretend this is the soda aisle at Randall’s and that this man is a woman. Apparently, it is hard to find pictures of old women speeding on scooters on Google, despite the fact that they exisit.

crazy little old lady speeding like a bat out a hell on an electric scooter. Not only was she speeding like she was trying to out run an avalanche; this woman was driving down the middle of soda aisle with this crazed look that made it very clear that she wasn’t going to stop for ANYTHING or ANYONE.

Seriously, for a split second Ludachris’ Move Bitch song popped into my head however, I had to cut the reminiscing of this jam short because I had to warn my completely oblivious mom. (You know how mom’s get at the grocery store when browsing for items. The whole world could be crashing down coming to end while they are looking for that one particular item…Any who back to the story)

At this precise moment, I turned back around and yelled at the top of my lungs “RUN MOM RUN!” My mom took off and left me in the dust. In all of my 20 some odd years, I have never seen my mother haul butt as fast as she did in that moment. Sprinters of the world beware because at that moment I’m pretty sure my mother could have beaten all of your records. The reason why I was lagging is what I believe to be a great example of natural selection at it’s finest. I was loosing traction which in turn made me do this weird sort of waddle run. The waddle run is a result of when I get nervous and my feet start to sweat. Sweaty feet and Old Navy flip flops are not the best combination to have when you are trying to out run possessed lady on a scooter that apparently doesn’t believe in using brakes.

With my traction severely compromised, crazy lady on the scooter was gaining momentum and the distance between my ankles and her bumper was narrowing at an alarming rate. I was five feet away from the end of aisle and this crazy old lady wasn’t slowing down. I debated kicking off my flip flops and running barefoot but then my inner germ freak reared it’s ugly head and I quickly abandoned that option. Now I’m three feet from the end of aisle, the crazed lady is within inches of my heels and my Achilles tendons and at this moment is where I saw my short life pass before my eyes. I started to panic about how terrible this would read in the newspaper, girl killed by senile deranged woman driving an electric scooter. Thoughts like ” do people even read the newspapers anymore? and “oh my gosh, I’d be that girl, I can’t be that girl” were flooding my brain. I was less than a foot away from the end of the aisle before I was able to snap myself out of my brief moment of panic. Finally, I made it to the end of the aisle were I was able to turn the corner and run into the next aisle just in the nick of time as the crazed deranged devil granny zoomed by on her Nascar nitrous infused scooter. I was practically rolling on the floor laughing so hard that my tummy hurt and I was on the verge of tears. When I finally collected myself, I realized that my mother was no where in sight. I thought holy crap did this crazy old lady take out my mom? I yelled for my mom and found her two aisles over hiding/shielding herself behind a display of peanuts laughing hysterically. Thank god for peanuts!

After we recollected ourselves and fixed our hair we wandered back into the soda aisle still giggling under our breath. We picked out our soda and headed towards the checkout. While waiting in line at the checkout we couldn’t stop laughing and the ability to re-collect ourselves to hold in our laughter was no longer working. At this point people behind us in line started looking at us like we were unstable or on drugs for laughing so hard at what appeared to be nothing.

It was our turn to checkout and the cashier couldn’t take our laughter anymore so she finally asked “What is so funny?” so we told her how this lady on a scooter almost made us road kill in the soda aisle. She was shocked and in disbelief but before any of us had a chance to laugh, the lady in line behind us piped up. She stated “Oh my gosh you too? Do you mean the lady on the scooter who was dragging the power cord behind her? Because if so, she almost took me out in the Diary section!”

WE ALL LOST IT…

On the way home I couldn’t help but wonder how many “almost casualties” did this crazy scooter granny almost claim? Moral of the story people, do not let the cuteness of a little old lady on a scooter fool you! Seriously, hide your puppies, kittens and babies from the crazed scooter lady because she isn’t stopping for anyone!

I believe the little stickers on the side of her scooter are the souls of the innocent people she ran over in grocery stores.